I remember when I was 12 years old I wrote in my journal something like “I will never rely on anyone. I can and will take care of myself.” And that was my mantra for years…

Have you made similar pacts with yourself?

This mantra served me well for a time. It helped me overcome difficult situations and shielded me from emotions I didn’t know how to process. Yet there comes a time when you outgrow the coping skills from your youth. If you don’t you will get stuck going around the same mountain repeating the same problem …

Pacts like these negatively impact you because they can prevent you from growing. In my case, it gave me a chip on my shoulder. When anyone tried to help, even if it was in the kindest way, I did not hear them. The tape was playing in my head that I was an independent woman who didn’t need anyone. I didn’t need help. My response was often “No Thanks. I’m good”.

Over the years I became so sick of being controlled; by parents, by bosses, by teachers, by society etc. I HATED authority and rebelled against anything I was told to do because it pissed me off. The chip on my shoulder was made of titanium…

To compound the situation I became a Business Coach. I was praised for my intellect and was expected to be the “expert”. I was supposed to know all the answers. Yet…I was going through my own transition and transformation. On the outside I had it all together but on the inside I was lost.

Slowly I realized that I needed help – I realized that the pact I made with my 12 year old self had expired and if I was going to claim my dreams and help other people I had to say goodbye to this pact of self-protection so I could grow.

Here is what I found through the years of not only receiving help from others but from seeking it. At first, it went against every bone in my body and now I know my personal development and growth depends on it.

  • If you’re going to help other people you have to continue to grow yourself and be open to the type of help you’re giving them. If you don’t you are being in-congruent and hypocritical.
  • Pride will eat you alive if you buy into the lie that you don’t need anyone else’s help. No one claims their dreams by themselves.
  • Coaches help you face your fears and ask questions you haven’t thought about or want to answer. These are areas of your life you need to work through. A good coach will get to know you and how you’re wired so they know how to approach you in a way that makes sense to you. Not every coach is the right coach for you – be selective and don’t be afraid to move on from a situation that isn’t working.
  • How can you help others when you don’t know what receiving help looks like? It’s easy to be on the other end complaining about how so many people don’t get it – yet how long did it take you to get it? And are you so sure you got it all now?
  • Sometimes the only way out of a rut is to clasp a hand of someone who has a different vantage point (aka not in the rut with you)

What’s holding you back from saying “Thanks I’m good but you know I could be better. How could you help me?”

Copyright 2015, Mary R. Miller